Silence is easy, it just becomes me

I've finally found an appropriate place to use this lyric ('Silence is Easy' by Starsailor). No, I did not spend a week at the Vipasana Ashram or take a vow of silence. I had laryngitis.
A rather dreadful cough coupled with the flu (the one I got on my Mum's happy birthday) turned into an inability to flex any of my vocal cords.I was reduced to gesturing, glaring and grunting. Moreover, I'd just taken up a ridiculous prepaid scheme which reduced my balance to zilch so I couldn't message anyone. Perfect timing.
So, like any self-respecting nerd, I turned to Harry Potter. Now, I'm not one of those who write obsessive fan fictions or live on Harry Potter fansites and know the Patronus of each character. (Okay, I might know THAT) But I like Harry Potter and I always have, right from the time I read the first book and before it was anything of a universal craze.
But this time, I got hooked. I started re reading the series backwards and fell in love all over again. Man, J.K. Rowling must've done LOADS of research- mythology, esotericism and whatnot. It's not like she just invented everything out of thin air. It is nearly convincingly true. And oh, how I wish it was.
Most of all, it's the pure human values that draw you. Friendship, bravery, sacrifice, honesty and purity of heart. I think that's what hit me the hardest about the books.
Anyway, so I was curled up in bed for nearly a week after the submissions, devouring the world of Harry, Ron, Hermione, Dumbledore and the rest. (Sirius used to be my favourite character but I think Snape has become the most intriguing. Okay, I'll stop now. An apology to my non-Harry Potter reading readers!)
Apart from being immersed in the dialogue of the characters and snatches of movies ('The Trail of the Pink Panther', 'Music and Lyrics', bits of 'Meet Joe Black' and 'The Pelican Brief'), I was totally silent. Much to the fury of my friends (whose calls and messages I couldn't answer. I'm honestly sorry about that!) and the boredom of my Mum, I retreated to my own private cellar of a mind. I faced my loneliness, my solitude, what have you. And you know what? I think it was for the good.
I realised that I can be alone and it's nothing to fear. It's not the greatest feeling but it's not rock bottom either. You can survive it. All that matters is that you be true to yourself.
I realised I can be bored and that doesn't mean it's the end of the world. Books and TV can be good company. But the best company can be your close ones whom you can just sit beside and not say a word.
I realised that I can dream a little dream and enjoy it . I don't have to kill myself into desperation by trying to make that dream come true.
So, at the end of my involuntary 'retreat', I find myself a little stronger, a little wiser, a lot more patient, a little friendless (ahem!) but a whole lot more peaceful. I'm no guru. I'm still the crabby old part-Cancerian. But I like silence. It just becomes me. And I kinda like what I become.

Oktober-Fest!

October is probably my favourite month of the year, alongwith June (my birth month). Not just because of the delicious weather, which makes every dream seem plausible, but because most of my favourite people are born in October.
Let's see. Starting off with both my parents, Numbi Jim, My cousin 'Miguel' (after the character in one of my favourite animated movies of all time - 'The Road to El Dorado'), Tabi, Ach (a good old school friend whose birthday dinner was an occasion to meet after such a looonnng time!) and more. At last count, the total list added up to more than eleven people. By the way, here's wishing fellow blogger V a belated happy birthday! I'm so sorry I forgot. I hope you had a lovely day.
So, as you can imagine, it's a fun month. Lots of birthday get-togethers, gift shopping (I love gift shopping!), dinners, happy joy! But the best part about a birthday is that it is a day that's supposed to belong entirely to you. I don't know about some people but I think everyone likes to enjoy that one day of importance. A birth ANNIVERSARY.
However, as much as I was enjoying the celebrating, what I was really looking forward to was my Mum's birthday.Not that I'd planned much (lost the knack of making those millions of cards I used to make as a kid. ) but her best friend was taking us out to one of my favourite restaurants and I was all kicked.
Of course I had to fall really sick and couldn't eat anything besides a little bit of a starter and a brownie. Not that I could taste anything. Seriously, it was a sad situation. I had to keep myself comforted with cups and cups of Chinese tea.
In the midst of all of that, I was racing against time to complete a major major assignment due today. Didn't sleep the whole of last night. This flu really slows down the senses. It's a miracle I survived. I'm normally flat out if I have the slightest fever. But time I was really ill, coughing nonstop (now I have a baritone). Surprisingly (and thankfully!), I actually managed to finish the project. Despite the fact that it was pouring cats and dogs and COWS and a whole huge heap of bougainvillea fell on to the driveway of my house and I couldn't take the car out to get some stuff printed. So guess who was standing in the rain with flu, trying to flag down an auto? I never could've done it if my Mum hadn't stayed awake half the time and pushed me on when all I wanted was to keel over, under the influence of cough syrup.Thanks to her. God is truly great. But let's hope it doesn't get rejected. Cross fingers.
There's another big one due tomorrow. I'm surprisingly quite relaxed about this one. It's on two of my favourite topics: Indian films (okay, not films...MOVIES) and fashion.
So, let me get back to MS Word. And I'll see on the other side of the submissions, the flu and will report back to you on the rest of this beautiful month...

Expectations...

I found this really really cool quote. Actually, it was a headline for a print ad for Vimal Suitings or something.
"My life. It's what happens between yesterday and tomorrow"
Not extraordinarly original or earth-shattering, but increasingly relevant for me. I salute the copywriter, whoever came up with it.
Another one, "Map out your dreams, but do it in pencil" - Bon Jovi (not word for word, I must admit)
So, I was doing some thinking (not thaaat much, don't worry). Here's the plan: TO NOT HAVE PLANS!
Yes, yes, before you say 'caution to the winds' and all that, hear me out. If you want something really badly, just let it go. If it's meant to happen, if it's meant to be yours- IT WILL and NOTHING and NO ONE can come in between!
Final year of school: Me sitting at the last desk, the one by the window, which looked out into this big pretty pastel-coloured house in front and to the side was the koovum river surrounded by greenery of some kind. (yes I know, I don't know why the koovum creeps up into this blog so often) Anyway, I'd be sitting there, half jotting down stuff about shares and debentures (I don't remember more than these two words in my two years of commerce education. And I got 95% both in Accounts and Business Studies. GO figure.) But my mind was really somewhere else, probably here in Estarra, clueless about the present, clueless about the future. I had no idea whatsoever what I wanted to do after school. What I did know was that I didn't want to talk about it.
Well, I did always did vaguely, detachedly dream of a certain college. And then, I applied. I wanted it. But the interview time came...and I talked and talked...and forgot to show them my certificates!
Needless to say, I was devastated for 2 days. But I guess whatever was meant to be, happened...and I got in anyway!
So, I'm following Santiago in 'The Alchemist'. He believed in his dream but he didn't obsess about it. He worked for it, but he didn't spend night and day fretting about it. He believed he was worthy to deserve it. And that was enough for him till his dream became reality.
So...if you love somebody, let them go... (you can fill in the rest)
If you want to be somebody, let it go...do all you can to be the best YOU can be...and see what happens...
If you want something really bad, let it go...if it's meant to be, it shall.
But then they say that if you don't fight for what you believe in, you won't get it. I think that your heart will tell you what to do then. Listen to it. It's your best guide. If there's nothing you can do about a situation, let it be. But if there's something you can, let your heart be your fire and fight for that good cause of yours!
I would say the disappointments come in life from expecting. But I just caught a scene from 'Something's Gotta Give' where Diane Keaton tells her daughter (Amanda Peet) that she's in love. She's crying. Amanda tells her that she should be like herself and not be so attached that she gets broken-hearted. She should not let go of herself so much that she forgets herself. Diane Keaton looks at her and shakes her head. She expected and wanted and she's in too deep. "Do you really believe that?", she asks her daughter. She tells her that that's not a way to live.
Theoretically, Amanda Peet's view sorta contributes to my philosophy at this point. But let's see if we really can keep Diane Keaton's at bay. :)

Channelising happy thoughts while plunging into Marxism

When things get me Grrr Aaargh Sheesh Ughh , I try to concentrate on the things that make me go mmmm.
Let's see. Right now, in the midst of Althusser's Ideology (he murdered his wife and spent the rest of his life in asylum. And we're studying him. Right.) and gathering knowledge on the Marxist media theory, I'm trying to enjoy the pure education process. It's nice to learn stuff. Even though you're dreaming of pizza while watching VH1.
FOCUS!
So...where was I? Yes, what's getting me all flustered. I don't know. General snappiness and irritation with all those around. Except Butterfly, whom I'm sending Low Millions songs to and generally cracking up on how our mock-pronunciations are turning into actual pronunciations. It's karma paying back for mimicking the hilariously adorable Tamil accent.
Yeah, Butterfly. I really have missed her. She was the muse behind the whole post about girlfriends being the best in the not soooo distant past. Whatever happened in between happened. All that matters between me and her IS me and her. And how can you not be friends with someone whom you have watched 'Cries and Whispers' with? I tell you, that movie is PURE AGONY. And we survived it. TWICE.
So, back to snappiness. Let's deviate from it...
Let's think of Amelie and living in her world.
Let's think of gorgeous Vogue magazine and Elle also.
Let's think of autumn leaves, red and gold (like Imp describes Sweden right now. Okay. I'm NOT going to talk about that lucky idiot genius fellow.) But let's think of the leaves, drifting in that perfect chilly breeze as you hug your jacket close to yourself and shiver in pure enjoyment.
Let's think of cities of blinding lights. Ah, Paris.
Adam Cohen's voice. Sigh!
Gregorian chants. Deep. Spiritual. Relaxation.
Numbi Jim's birthday day after. I can't believe that brat is going to be 20.
My real life idol and his coolness!

Will add more. Too destressed to write right now. Moreover, Althusser beckons. (Oh no.)

Ode to a Hanging iPod

Your beautiful face
Blank, expressionless
As if we were strangers
You gaze back at me
As if in a trance
Our eyes meet
But what of our souls?

I want to take you in my arms
Hear you whisper sweet things in my ear
Feel my heart race
I want to take you in my arms
And beg your heart to be mine again

But you look at me
Frozen, thoughtless
Leaving me alone in silence

Wake up, fill me up
Do not leave me thus
My naked ears cry for coverage
My fingers ache for your menu
Wake up!
Come fill me up againnnnnnnnnnnn.............

I am trying to believe

There was this poetic point in time where everyone was in love (and more importantly, being loved back) except for me. Me and a choice few singles left (namely Numbi Jim-my best sister-friend and K) would sit and whine about how we were soooo single and that it would be too late for us to ever learn to mingle.

Well, Numbi Jim, the singlest of all people I know (as in, she wanted to be footloose and fancy free and crush to her heart's delight without getting crushed) got committed. And happily. And well, too many people are in love with K now for him to be complaining. Even though, he doesn't necessarily love them back. But still!

As for me, I'm okay. I like being single, even though I do whine. But what made me happy, in a sort of vicarious way was seeing all the happy relationships all around. Of course, they weren't picture perfect (trust me, I've done my fair share of counselling for both the sexes!) but they were so....beautiful. Love that lasted. And I counted them on my fingers as statistics, as proof of that magic. Maybe I believed that their good fortune would rub off on me and I would find that same joy. Maybe I was just happy living in their happiness. So what if I was single? Their commitment was enough for me, as strange as it sounds.

But of course, it was all a mirage. Silly me for idolising. Silly me for casting eyes. People are fallible and their loves fragile.

With a heavy heart, I picked the pieces of my illusion and moved on. If there's a hook up season, there should be a break up season. Who knows what's right and what's forever? For every Jab We Met, there has to be a Saawariya. For every Brangelina, there has to have been a Brad and Jen.

So, do I shake my head, embittered, older and wiser? Is it ridiculous of me to have faith in adolescent relationships when I have witnessed divorces? Is it like believing in Santa? I want to believe. I want to have people to stand as living reminders that magic is alive and kicking. I want you all to fall and STAY in love, people!

But what if they can't? What if one day they just woke up and realised that they loved someone else? What if they were just plain bored? What if the love potion wore off or they put on a pair of glasses and realised that they were falling into the biggest ditch? I cannot chain them to my childhood fantasies and make them live them out for me. Whether they're making a mistake or not, it's their life and not mine to judge.

Sigh.

But people still fall in love. After all the pain and all the nonsense. They wipe away their tears and look into the eyes of a brand new person, hoping to see the world in them. I wonder how they do it. I wonder if I would be able to take it. I don't want to know.

Is love that magnificent that it can break a person and yet a whiff can make one want to try again? Is it addiction or hope?

I hope it's hope.

Two of My Favourite Girls

Spent a blissful evening watching two of my favourite movies-Juno and Amelie. Both titles are names of girls and the lead characters, though strikingly different. Both are quirky and conflicted but so adorable. And I just LOVE them!

I started off with Juno, to lapse into the world of the I-don't-give-a-damn adolescent. She's so content with the way she is, without really being egoistic, if you notice it. I love that whole town and the way she bikes around. Happy fish in small pond, I feel. Not striving to be something that she's not. She wears boy's clothes. She doesn't think about whether she's a great guitarist and is going to make it big-she just plays. The dialogues are funny and witty, but it's Juno's whole character that makes them stand out. It could've fallen flat with any other actress. Ellen Page fits Juno to a T. And I love the way the movie crosses the four seasons.

I wanted Mum to watch it but she slept halfway. So I watched for a bit and then decided I needed some French magic. Over to Amelie.

Now, this is one movie that's been embedded in my subconscious since I watched it 6 odd years ago. She's also not striving to be anything. Amelie's just a waitress (in a gorgeous cosy little apartment that I would just crave) with eccentric colleagues, neighbours and a rather lonely past. What happens is a series of events that cause her to become a do-gooder. Thanks to that, we get a stunning visual treat as she shoots around town, sprinkling peoples' lives with magic. I can feel her glee as she sees people surprised and then delighted because of her setting things right in their lives. And of course, Audrey Tautou is one of my favourite actresses of all time.Jean Pierre Jeunet and her make a delightful director-actor duo (A Very Long Engagement is another of my favourites. I love his storytelling style.) Mathieu Kassovitz adds to the visual treat. He he. Their romance is just too cute.

But alas, the dvd got stuck. Maybe it was time for me to sleep. Fell asleep with magic in my heart and a smile upon my face.

I am therefore I think...I hope!

This is intended to be an intellectual blog post, intended for the advancement of my own intellect, which has increasingly been neglected. Except, perhaps for those 5 hours of each day. But drama in college life has become so much larger than the actual purpose! Who can concentrate on media democracy or Marxism when SHE actually SAID THAT and then HE said WHAT and then THEY ALL went WHERE and SAW WHOM.
Omg. Lol lol.
But seriously, I am an intellectual person. With sober thoughts on mankind and society and with....knowledge.
Waaah.
What happened to me?
I used to be the twelve year old kid who could spout info on the entire Mughal Dynasty on our trip to Fatehpur Sikri. Honest. The guide was astounded when I asked him questions about Gauharara. (She was the last daughter of Shah Jahan and her mother Mumtaz Mahal who died while giving birth to her.)
Well, I've been starting to analyse my intellectual deterioration and see if it's really something to worry about. Lemme think. I listen in class. I read the paper. I read..books..when I can. I must admit a fixation with my iTunes. And well, Zoom TV.
Okay, I don't know anything about stock markets. And my knowledge of psychology is pretty much limited to Visual Analysis and Aesthetics class. Which I pay full attention to, by the way.
Sir: See, if you agree with these theories, you're a Freudian philosopher. If you don't agree to these theories....
Class (in unison): ...You're a fraud philosopher!
As you can see, I learn a lot from my classmates. Such as Aeroplane.
Me: What was that stuff sir said about Freud?
Aeroplane: Freud? Who? Pink Freud?

So you can't really blame me for questioning my state of brain. I used to be the quiz-girl, me and Ess used to ace all the quizzes when we got together. Of course he was and always is the encyclopaedia (not dusty and a little more colourful though. He he.) but I wasn't so bad. I think. I hope.

What should I do to change this state of affairs?
-Read the Economic Times? (I left behind commerce in school, which is another century of life. No, no numbers please.)
-Ask Ess to fill my brain with facts. (No, I like talking to Ess about self issues. He puts things in perspective. When his blues and my blah moods collide, they just fade away!)
-Read Leo Tolstoy and Doy-shtov-sky. (Give me Ann Brashares' teenage yet delicate, non soppy prose. Give me Paolo Coelho's simplicity. Mario Puzo, even.)
-Write.

Hmm, that I don't mind. When I write, I feel like I'm capable of thinking. Like I'm alive. It's like when the pen touches paper (Or when my fingertips hit the keyboard), it's like a pinprick or a splash of cold water, waking me up.
Till I can attempt to finish 'Atlas Shrugged', I think this should do.

Guilty Pleasures!

I have come to the conclusion that music forms me. If there can be Ardhnaareeshwar (half man, half woman in divine form), then I'm half music. I am incomplete without it. I cannot get ready and kicking unless there is a song playing from the 'Therapy' list on my iTunes (usually Koothu Tamil) I cannot let go of my pain unless I listen to 'Chhalla' or 'Apologise' or search for some appropriate song. So, I don't care if I need to learn to be independent and if you scorn me because one ear is always connected to a earphone. Music helps me where people can't. It makes sense out of life, whether through the strum of a guitar, a magically apt string of words or the dhinchak of a masala movie song. So, let me present to you my latest addictions, the healthy guilty pleasures.

- Low Millions. I think the only album they released was 'Ex-Girlfriends' and I'm not sure if the only hit they had was 'Eleanor', the ultimately sarcastic yet tragic break up song. But I've fallen in love with singer Adam Cohen's voice, particularly on 'Mockingbird'. I love the words.
"You say you love me but you don't love me, you say you hate me but you don't hate me, you say you'd leave me but you can't leave me, because you love me, what's it gonna be, what is wrong with you, what is wrong with me."
Deliciously addictive.

-'Chhalla' as sung by Rabbi. He's taken the original traditional Gurdas Mann Punjabi folk song and sung it to an acoustic guitar. It feels as if he is singing it at dusk in a dimly lit room over a broken heart.

-'The Good Soldier' by Nine Inch Nails. Okay, I can't help it. I am drawn to anything by Trent Raznor but this song really fit my state of mind for the past week.'
"I am trying to see
I am trying to believe
This is not where I should be
I am trying to believe"

'Wednesday (No Se Apoye)' by Mike Doughty. I love his abstract, meandering lyrics, particularly 'I Hear the Bells'. But 'Wednesday' is beautiful, rainy and lounge-y, to be soaked up during a light, lazy afternoon or an endless drive.