Monday, September 29, 2008
As the leaves fall (well atleast in other prettier parts of the world) and as the breeze sweeps them away. As the rain clouds gather and as the water washes away the moments of feeling nowhere...I wish...
-to be content within myself and free from fear of the future.
-unlimited subscription to VOGUE magazine!
-to see the good in everyone and not to judge anyone if they have different values from mine.
-a nice new stereo system that doesn't get stuck while attempting to play my new compilation of koothu songs. Boo hoo.
-to be unafraid to be alone and to rejoice in my solitude, without any fear of future regret.
-to be comfortable in my own skin... and also to stick to some kind of exercise routine!!! (this is really a wishlist)
-Having said that, LOADS of nice nice clothes !!
-to be around nature somehow, somewhere, always.
-to not be stressed!
-to stop bothering what people think about me and whether they think at all
-to always be surrounded by music-the masala, the melodious, the meaningful and the mad.
-to stop having crushes that crush me! (VERY IMPORTANT!) But I think this is possible. I'm growing older and a little wiser.
-to disconnect from the insignificant
-to manage my anger! (Will martial arts help?)
-to just LIVE
-to love my family the way they deserve because they have been there for me like noone else has, my tiny little family.
-to stop wanting to belong, to some culture, to some language, to someone, to something. To enjoy being as solid as thin air and as undefinable.
-to write forever! Because that's the only thing I seem to stick to!
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
I used to scoff at them, but a couple of episodes down the line and I was sorta, well, hooked. Come on, she's funny. And cool. For a fifteen year old.
But that's not the point. I got one of her songs, 'Rockstar'. Catchy and cute. And what's the other one? 'Best of Both Worlds'. How she's a small town girl and also this rockstar with a great big limo, varied wardrobe, how it's such a cool life, etc.
Is it really?
I think it would be nice to be a musician (and good at it), perform onstage and express yourself through song. But if you can't? Then I'm happy the way I am.
I mean, I'm twenty years old. My achievements may be zilch compared to what Miley Cyrus has achieved, despite being 5 years younger than me. I may not look exactly like what I want to look like. But I'm not repulsive either. I live at home and have a long way to go before standing on my own two feet. But I'm happy this way!
I'm still in college. It's nice to be spoon-fed a little. It's nice to have assignments and presentations. It's nice to have the adolescent drama among my friends that is funny only at the school/college level. Beyond that, it gets adult and scary.
It's nice to wake up late. VERY IMPORTANT.
It's nice that the only social commitments I have are break-time trips to the new canteen (totally cool by the way. It doesn't feel like college. It's AC, it's bright, there's variety and it's CHEAP. Moreover, the proceeds go to charity. Can you beat that?). Of course, there are occasional compulsions to go clubbing (like tonight) when I'd rather be at home reading 'Nurjahan' ( I love Mughal history. But too many names. A little confusing) But that takes a little wheedling. Then I can get back to my room and under the covers with the book. (I am so much fun, no?)
It's nice to be whatever size I am and not expected to don the trendiest outfits or be shunned by fashion police. I can always wear my baggy clothes. (though I have to hide out in my room when guests come.)
It's nice that I'm not expected to have a ginormous vocal range and I can shout along to 'I want to break free' in my car (ignoring the stares and gestures of pedestrians and other drivers. Hello! Don't mind me! Concentrate on the road!)
And it's also nice to wait and watch and see who I turn out to be, rather than discover it at age ten! A little mystery is fun.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Waking up still seems like fun
But not when every night goes undone
There's so much sky, so much to grasp
Yet there's nothing I feel I can clasp
The days pass by in a blur of fear
Fear of everything being so unclear
I wish I could fly away on a cloud
Yet I don't have the guts to dream out loud
I see the mood hasn't lifted since the last post. K did get back and we did go out (Mum included). Got some books from the library too. But I feel so tired. The sudden holiday today was great but I feel no more rested and I'm afraid I'm not missing college at all.
I know all that jazz about not expecting so much out of people and that your happiness depends on you alone. That is SO true. But college revolves so much around people and what they do and what they say. We take these 'issues' so seriously. There is so much to be lived! I was sitting in the backyard behind my kitchen and staring up at the vast sky. I felt so damn good I can't tell you. It was like there was so much beyond all the petty nonsense that happens. I wanted that. I wanted to reach out and hug the sky. I wanted to be above and beyond and also to belong to that great, big everything. Enough of non existence.
Did I ever feel this way in school? I had the energy and passion for a million different things. Not to mention the confidence. It's a good thing that I don't feel the need to prove myself and that I kinda know what I really enjoy and don't. It's good that I've learnt to relax and not participate in every single thing. But have I lost some of my identity? I don't know. Are you identified by the things you do, the people you hang out with? How you look? What you say? Who you know? Do you HAVE to be identified at all?
These are questions that arise now, when I'm just out of teenagehood. I wonder if there exists an answer.
My Mum keeps saying that one's duty is to do whatever's been given to you to do and to do it well. So, right now, all I have to do is go to college and do whatever comes my way that I can do. That's the only thing that keeps me going.
I hope the next post can be a lot more uplifting. Maybe I won't find the purpose of my life. Maybe I'll still be meandering around. Maybe I'll still be lost. But I hope I'll be happy about it.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Okay, okay, pardon my Aminjikarai-accustomed eyes. I'm craving another holiday. My entire class is caught up in the fever of culturals and other extra curriculars (a photography exhibition coming up, hence my feeble attempt at capturing Chennai's visuals) while I am wandering around from meal to meal, claiming no responsibility and no regrets whatsoever.
K has gone home for the weekend and perhaps that is why I am so lazy. He's always coaxing me into some entertainment. Without him, Mum and college, I'd probably marry my room. As much drama as our friendship adds to my life, I miss that nut. Oh god, I'm listening to our song! K, come back soon!
I finally got to see 'Rock On' and it was worth the hype. Arjun Rampal (YES I NOTICE THINGS OTHER THAN HIS LOOKS) has finally made his mark as an actor, with his natural portrayal of the subdued and suppressed guitarist Joe.
Now I want to see 'The Last Lear'. And 'Tahaan' too.
Anyway, where was I? Yes, meandering around. I feel so...expectant. As if I'm done with some great big thing behind me (well, if you really want to count MAD and the excursion) and as if I'm waiting for this great big jumbo jet that's going to swoop down and take me to where I belong.
Is it because of the lack of productivity? Hmmm, no I quite enjoy doing nothing. I could do it for the rest of my life. On second thoughts, NO! Perhaps a week more would be nice.
Is it because of the lack of socialisation? Hmmm, I doubt it. I'm in my self-sufficient phase. Sure, finding love is a childhood fantasy I've still to leave behind. But, honestly, I'm okay with myself.
This limbo isn't getting me down. But it's not getting me anywhere. I hope it passes. It's not a nice feeling to be asleep while you're alive.
But let's not end this post on such a dreary note! Let's dream of the Parisian Coovum...
Saturday, September 6, 2008
The MAD (Make A Difference) campaign gave me purpose, albeit a little delayed, much after everyone was marching around being useful.Indifference among the youth is the heart of all the social diseases we face today. However,it took Rabbi's 'Bilquis' to get me passionate about a cause that is very much etched in my heart. Honestly, I cannot listen to that song without feeling goosebumps . "Jinhe naaz hai hind par woh kahaan the?" (Where were those who had pride in India?)
It seems like a distant memory now. Performing short street presentations and staging an accident to portray how Naveen died due to negligence. All in all, the campaign was full throttle, passionate and we gave it our all.
Immediately after that, my fellow mad hatters and I set off on our much-debated tour (Wayanad, Coorg and Mysore). The beautiful locales proved to be a setting for many adolescent ego skirmishes. However, I must say that Wayanad was lovely. Mysore was interesting as well. My dear friend Aeroplane managed to convince all of us that he was having a past life regression when we visited the Wodayar palace. Indeed, one of the kings did bear a slight resemblance to Aeroplane! However, all kingly duties were not as fresh in his mind as the thought of 3000 concubines...
It was a fun time (my highlight was floating along the Pookot Lake while the other 3 peddled on as I shouted out instructions acting like a commanding officer) but it was not the holiday I desperately crave. Lazing around with absolutely nothing to do but gape at the beauty of nature. But ah, who am I to complain? Something is better than nothing! And travel definitely broadens the mind...it certainly did to mine!