Waking up still seems like fun
But not when every night goes undone
There's so much sky, so much to grasp
Yet there's nothing I feel I can clasp
The days pass by in a blur of fear
Fear of everything being so unclear
I wish I could fly away on a cloud
Yet I don't have the guts to dream out loud
I see the mood hasn't lifted since the last post. K did get back and we did go out (Mum included). Got some books from the library too. But I feel so tired. The sudden holiday today was great but I feel no more rested and I'm afraid I'm not missing college at all.
I know all that jazz about not expecting so much out of people and that your happiness depends on you alone. That is SO true. But college revolves so much around people and what they do and what they say. We take these 'issues' so seriously. There is so much to be lived! I was sitting in the backyard behind my kitchen and staring up at the vast sky. I felt so damn good I can't tell you. It was like there was so much beyond all the petty nonsense that happens. I wanted that. I wanted to reach out and hug the sky. I wanted to be above and beyond and also to belong to that great, big everything. Enough of non existence.
Did I ever feel this way in school? I had the energy and passion for a million different things. Not to mention the confidence. It's a good thing that I don't feel the need to prove myself and that I kinda know what I really enjoy and don't. It's good that I've learnt to relax and not participate in every single thing. But have I lost some of my identity? I don't know. Are you identified by the things you do, the people you hang out with? How you look? What you say? Who you know? Do you HAVE to be identified at all?
These are questions that arise now, when I'm just out of teenagehood. I wonder if there exists an answer.
My Mum keeps saying that one's duty is to do whatever's been given to you to do and to do it well. So, right now, all I have to do is go to college and do whatever comes my way that I can do. That's the only thing that keeps me going.
I hope the next post can be a lot more uplifting. Maybe I won't find the purpose of my life. Maybe I'll still be meandering around. Maybe I'll still be lost. But I hope I'll be happy about it.