A sad but true piece of poetry to amuse myself

Waking up still seems like fun

But not when every night goes undone

There's so much sky, so much to grasp

Yet there's nothing I feel I can clasp

The days pass by in a blur of fear

Fear of everything being so unclear

I wish I could fly away on a cloud

Yet I don't have the guts to dream out loud

Wah wah!!!

I see the mood hasn't lifted since the last post. K did get back and we did go out (Mum included). Got some books from the library too. But I feel so tired. The sudden holiday today was great but I feel no more rested and I'm afraid I'm not missing college at all.

I know all that jazz about not expecting so much out of people and that your happiness depends on you alone. That is SO true. But college revolves so much around people and what they do and what they say. We take these 'issues' so seriously. There is so much to be lived! I was sitting in the backyard behind my kitchen and staring up at the vast sky. I felt so damn good I can't tell you. It was like there was so much beyond all the petty nonsense that happens. I wanted that. I wanted to reach out and hug the sky. I wanted to be above and beyond and also to belong to that great, big everything. Enough of non existence.

Did I ever feel this way in school? I had the energy and passion for a million different things. Not to mention the confidence. It's a good thing that I don't feel the need to prove myself and that I kinda know what I really enjoy and don't. It's good that I've learnt to relax and not participate in every single thing. But have I lost some of my identity? I don't know. Are you identified by the things you do, the people you hang out with? How you look? What you say? Who you know? Do you HAVE to be identified at all?

These are questions that arise now, when I'm just out of teenagehood. I wonder if there exists an answer.

My Mum keeps saying that one's duty is to do whatever's been given to you to do and to do it well. So, right now, all I have to do is go to college and do whatever comes my way that I can do. That's the only thing that keeps me going.

I hope the next post can be a lot more uplifting. Maybe I won't find the purpose of my life. Maybe I'll still be meandering around. Maybe I'll still be lost. But I hope I'll be happy about it.

Here and There and Everywhere

Got myself and Mum lost today on a mad drive on the road less travelled (atleast for my wheels) Got stalked by a creepy cycle rickshaw puller, got blurry pictures of Mount Road and got into a Go Karting place to take pretty (yet blurry) pictures of the Coovum. A faraway TV tower gave the whole place such a Parisian feel. Sigh. If I held my nose, I could've sworn I was in Paris.
Okay, okay, pardon my Aminjikarai-accustomed eyes. I'm craving another holiday. My entire class is caught up in the fever of culturals and other extra curriculars (a photography exhibition coming up, hence my feeble attempt at capturing Chennai's visuals) while I am wandering around from meal to meal, claiming no responsibility and no regrets whatsoever.
K has gone home for the weekend and perhaps that is why I am so lazy. He's always coaxing me into some entertainment. Without him, Mum and college, I'd probably marry my room. As much drama as our friendship adds to my life, I miss that nut. Oh god, I'm listening to our song! K, come back soon!
I finally got to see 'Rock On' and it was worth the hype. Arjun Rampal (YES I NOTICE THINGS OTHER THAN HIS LOOKS) has finally made his mark as an actor, with his natural portrayal of the subdued and suppressed guitarist Joe.
Now I want to see 'The Last Lear'. And 'Tahaan' too.
Anyway, where was I? Yes, meandering around. I feel so...expectant. As if I'm done with some great big thing behind me (well, if you really want to count MAD and the excursion) and as if I'm waiting for this great big jumbo jet that's going to swoop down and take me to where I belong.
Is it because of the lack of productivity? Hmmm, no I quite enjoy doing nothing. I could do it for the rest of my life. On second thoughts, NO! Perhaps a week more would be nice.
Is it because of the lack of socialisation? Hmmm, I doubt it. I'm in my self-sufficient phase. Sure, finding love is a childhood fantasy I've still to leave behind. But, honestly, I'm okay with myself.
This limbo isn't getting me down. But it's not getting me anywhere. I hope it passes. It's not a nice feeling to be asleep while you're alive.
But let's not end this post on such a dreary note! Let's dream of the Parisian Coovum...

A Quick Word

From MADness (http://madcampaign.blogspot.com/) to supposed masti, it is no wonder that I haven't stepped ashore Estarra in a while.
The MAD (Make A Difference) campaign gave me purpose, albeit a little delayed, much after everyone was marching around being useful.Indifference among the youth is the heart of all the social diseases we face today. However,it took Rabbi's 'Bilquis' to get me passionate about a cause that is very much etched in my heart. Honestly, I cannot listen to that song without feeling goosebumps . "Jinhe naaz hai hind par woh kahaan the?" (Where were those who had pride in India?)
It seems like a distant memory now. Performing short street presentations and staging an accident to portray how Naveen died due to negligence. All in all, the campaign was full throttle, passionate and we gave it our all.
Immediately after that, my fellow mad hatters and I set off on our much-debated tour (Wayanad, Coorg and Mysore). The beautiful locales proved to be a setting for many adolescent ego skirmishes. However, I must say that Wayanad was lovely. Mysore was interesting as well. My dear friend Aeroplane managed to convince all of us that he was having a past life regression when we visited the Wodayar palace. Indeed, one of the kings did bear a slight resemblance to Aeroplane! However, all kingly duties were not as fresh in his mind as the thought of 3000 concubines...
Moving on!
It was a fun time (my highlight was floating along the Pookot Lake while the other 3 peddled on as I shouted out instructions acting like a commanding officer) but it was not the holiday I desperately crave. Lazing around with absolutely nothing to do but gape at the beauty of nature. But ah, who am I to complain? Something is better than nothing! And travel definitely broadens the mind...it certainly did to mine!

The Skinny on Being Thin

I want to be thin.
I've always felt that I was a skinny, uncurvy, athletic tomboy trapped in a well, chubby girl's body. I have felt this way since I was , I don't know, ten? Before that, I used to climb trees and play dodgeball and not care.
Then Hrithik Roshan happened to India. And while all my friends began to drool over him, I drooled over wanting to BE like him . (Did I not mention that I was a weird child?) I began to dance and exercise and got my hair cut really short. (It somehow made me look more er, challenged than boyish, with my curly hair and glasses. Shudder. I hate to recollect those moments of childish insanity).
As I grew out of that phase (thanks be to God that I did!), I had crushes and got crushed in the process. And somehow grew to believe that my chubbiness was the cause of such a situation. Of course, there was the matter of me not being able to bleat a word around the presence of the crush. (Class topper, public speaker, house captain-these designations were harldy daunting compared to saying hello to a boy I fancied. A root canal would've been far less painful.)
So, I did it. I exercised, lost interest in fries and rice and knocked off ten kilos. It made a great difference. Not romantically, but it did wonders to my confidence. I could be loved! I could be a worthy individual and contribute to society!
Well, then I decided to go even more further and shed some more personal gravity this summer and guess what happened. I put on 6 kilos! And my sorrow has been infinite ever since the discovery of this fact (and the painful realisation that 95% of my wardrobe does not fit me).
Like K remarked, "I wish we'd all been born with the perfect bodies we wanted" (I don't know why people who are perfect ALREADY say things like this! He is an ice cream worshipper and can eat all the Toblerones he wants but he still exercises. The dedication of the boy, I tell you. Touchwood for him.)
It's not fair that I got a backache when I went to the gym. It's not fair that pizza is banned for me BY me. It's not fair that all my idol women are thin, thin, thiiinnn (Kareena, Katrina, Shakira, etc) I don't wanna wear kurtas all the time that reach up to my knees. (Well, now I have to. All my skirts have been relegated to the back of the closet). I want to wear skinny jeans and loose clothes without looking bigger than I already am. I want to not nearly kill myself in guilt of having not exercised. I want to jump and hop and skip without people saying "ooohhh earthquake" (well, they USED TO in school. Kids can be so mean.)
Sigh.
But...
A wise person told me (okay, it was K again!) that we are all born with certain flaws and certain perfections. That I should think of all the perfect features that God has given me.
I don't know about perfect features. But I'm sure glad He's given me understanding friends. Thanks for that, God. And well, the Kingdom of Estarra.
But someday........! I hope that gravity shall NOT be on my side...!

Lazy Don't Save Me

It's all cloudy. I'm picturing a desolate beach(the white sand variety) under green palms( do those exist?) swaying under a tempestuous breeze to the sound of the waves.
According to K, I shall find this in Kerala. In all probability, yes. But I'm highly sceptical owing to my memory of the place my Mum dragged me to 3 years ago. It was hot and we spent all the time temple-hopping (which was not as bad as I thought it would be. Except for the time I stepped into fresh cowdung and had to wipe it off with newspapers and grass. Repeat after finicky-me, EW.)
So, well, basically I never got to experience desolate beaches of any kind, kathakali dances, boathouses (though we did get to boat on the Vembanad Lake) or those other 'God's own country' things which I drool over in travel advertising features. It was a learning experience, though and made me realise how much of a city slicker I am. It didn't manage to make me to feel any connection with my so-called Malayali blood (does it exist if you don't believe its existence?) But it was good. Remind me to tell you about it, some other, more proactive time.
Well, I hope I encounter some of those dreamy imageries when we go on our class excursion at the end of this month. (It aches to think Naveen won't be there with us. It's so strange how life has to move on. Sigh.)
Back to my dreamy state of existence. It's a lazy Saturday afternoon, almost Sunday-like, but only with a vague expectation of activity. I wonder if I will ever get up to it. Have been dreaming of long TV hours with a mug of cold coffee (No one makes the way I LOVE it like Mum does)
Have an exam on Monday-Mass Communication Theories. (Honestly, it's more interesting than it sounds). Got a pile of notes to rifle through. But all I want to do is dream of picture-postcard beach and listen to the alt songs under the playlist I titled 'Moments' in my iTunes. Listening to Rabbi's new album now. Nowhere as great as his debut album, but appropriate for my current mood.
Oh, did I tell you about the Strings concert I went for last Saturday? It was absolutely beautiful. Sure, Parikrama was great ( I especially loved their own comp 'Am I Dreaming?'. Man I wish I could get my hands on that song) but when Strings came on, they brought such a precious, positive energy to the atmosphere. I totally lost myself there. The music, the lyrics, the melody and the sweetness in their performance. Just thinking about it makes me smile. I've always been in love with their songs 'Sirkiye yeh pahar' and 'Anjaane' (have mentioned the lyrics in my previous blog post of favourite lyrics) but their new one 'Koi Aaney Wala Hai' is adorable as well. I love the lyrics. It's about expecting an angel. And they depict that in the video too, with John Abraham as an angel. Ha ha ha. But I prefer imagining it in my own way. Bilal (oh he's so cute!) and Faisal(oh he's so sweet!) are angels enough.
Well, I'm going off for now before I ramble any further. This has been a long, aimless one-sided conversation (oh God!! That reminds me of the criticisms of the dominant paradigm of Development Communication. Don't. Even. Go. There. My exam's over today and I don't wanna think about it all over again. Though it is highly interesting...google it if you're interested. I taught 4 different people about it, including myself and my mandatory student, J.)
OK. BYE FOR NOW. (Someone gag me!)

Lost where you belong

(Okay I wrote this a couple of months ago and it was meant for this plotless story that's been in my heart and head for the past 7 years and refuses to unravel itself on to paper fully. Sigh. Okay, read it.)

Everything is a sign.
Every line of a page is a message. Every turn around the corner is an omen. Every name in the paper, every lyric of a song conveys exactly what you want it to be.
The universe is lying to you.
She was free. She wasn’t bound by convention, family, choices or mistakes. Yet she lived in constant fear. Fear that made her tear at the cuticles of her fingers. Fear of fear.She missed someone terribly. It could have been something she missed but a mental checklist revealed that there was nothing substantial or conceivable that she longed for or lacked.
So, it was a nameless, faceless someone for whom she lay in wait, day after day, night after night. The messiah.
As quickly as she recognized this yearning and waiting, she also berated herself for seeking a human being, an individual to fill the space inside her. To bring colour to the white walls around her. Or to open the door.
It was obviously a spiritual need that sought to be fulfilled. Hadn’t she heard this before? People ached for something to fill their loneliness and tried all the material things before they realized God was the answer.
She was spiritual, yes, but in a quiet way, unlike her religious (especially before exams) friends and also the atheist ones. She recognized her need for God and communicated with him in the way she wrote in her diary-sporadic, but honest and direct. But she knew that she would never be satisfied until He overwhelmed her in His effulgence and took her back to wherever she came from and away from this confusing spectacle they called reality. But she also couldn’t fathom a life of austerity and meditation (She couldn’t sit cross legged for two minutes and couldn’t stand being away from her clean and big bathroom)
So, she figured, as she waited endlessly, that there must be a reason He put her on this planet with almost everything she wanted. Almost everything…except a clue.

Bye, July

You know what?
July is over!
My birthday is almost two months behind, my final undergraduate year is well under way, my nice popstars calendar (courtesy The Record magazine) is more than half over and well, the days are getting shorter.
Anyway, I find myself getting even more control-freakish than usual (what with the swarm of assignments biting around my neck). I'm trying to breathe easy and not sweat the small stuff, but hey, I can't help it! Printing that assignment and putting it in a stick file gives a high much greater than any drug ( I presume) . So call me a nerd, J. Not only do I enjoy being one but I'm proud to say I love college (at this moment, touch wood) and I well, kinda, enjoy the subjects.
As nerdy as I can be, I tend to get extremely lazy in some aspects. I don't know if you can call it indifference. I guess you could call me a passive activist. Heheh. I'd like to pretend that sounds cool.
Being lazy, however, does not give me the right to criticise the young and the enterprising. Here's a group of young people who's seriously giving our future a thought. And the fact that it highly depends on the present. They recognise the need for democracy and also its absence in our country today.The recent turn of events in the parliament was what triggered their spark and mobilised them. So check them out. wewillindia.blogspot.com
As for me, I shall get back to my 'BIG TIME ORGANISER', (a thoughtful gift from K). More things to cross off. Except the thing not on the list. Sleep. Sigh.
Sayonara, July